In an effort not to wear myself out, I am writing this for a few groups of those who I trust with what’s going on with me.
First good news bad news. I need hearing aids, and after about 6 months after being told I needed them, I was able to order them. I should have them tomorrow at this point if all goes well. Pretty sure the unable to hear literally half of any word sounds was increasing my stressed state, and the more and more frequent melt downs. It literally has become part of my mental well being to get them ASAP.
Next, of things that have recently become a “thing.”
I am now pre-diabetic, and have a continuous glucose monitor on me all the time now.
I am being seen by a cardiologist, and have a heart monitor on for a month while it takes my readings to see if the ER visit late July was a heart issue, or something else. We are kinda at the see what needs ruled out point. I am about to have a fight with insurance tho, because they think that denying the stress test is a smart move.
I have also started PT. My stability, and being able to actually do things, like stand at a stove without doubling over in pain, and being able to walk around in a large store with a shopping cart, as opposed to HAVING to get an electric cart are going to be addressed, we hope.
I NEED to get into therapy, but… between the LOW amount of available therapists in my area who AREN’T “faith based” or you can tell by their write up would NOT be a good fit, its hard. Add to that each visit would be ANOTHER co-pay when I am already struggling with making the co-pays of the ones KEEPING ME ALIVE and still being able to, you know… eat?
It hasn’t been easy.
And that’s even before you get into any interpersonal drama that will upset me and send me into non-verbal states or even full on disassociating.
It’s been rough, but I am pushing thru to the best of my ability.
10/3/23 update:
I JUST got out of the hospital yesterday, after being there a week due to a ruptured appendix.
I hurt, I am tired, and I am cranky.
And I am worried af.
I already have an autoimmune disease.
Having my appendix out makes me even MORE likely to get sick, etc.
I am going to have to figure out what life looks like for me again as I heal and move on.
11/3/23
I have been so overwhelmed this past month I have no words. Like frequent melt downs, disassociation, etc. I did go back into the hospital mid last month. It was fortunately a “better safe than sorry” instance. And OFC once I got home from the week long initial hospitalization, my computer had decided it didn’t want to start up again. It was my PSU, and while I still had one that “worked” it wasn’t powerful enough to power both my computer AND my graphics card. SO, I wasn’t able to really play anything, let alone BG3 which I had started before my hospitalization and had been really looking forward to getting back into once released.
So, yay, no way to distract myself and let my brain process shit in the background.
One of my sisters ordered me a new PSU and I got it and put it in last week, but… so entirely overwhelmed lately I can’t really play much of anything, and spend a LOT of my time just staring into space.
Oh boy, where to start?
Lets start with post surgery. I am healing still. Doing better. Can get out of bed without that sharp pain in my gut now.
I saw my diabetes/thyroid specialist and that was good news. My thyroid numbers are “perfect” and my A1C went down a point.
On the bad side, I read the notes on my ultrasound the cardiologist made, and looked up what it means. It’s… very NOT good. The blood pumping is JUST at the “acceptable” level of oxygen in my blood, BUT to make that happen my left ventricle “modified” itself… ie made itself bigger to compensate. For what, idk. Rn the doc and insurance are in a fight and I don’t have a follow up with him atm. So when things start to get stressful and I start to get mad, stressed, etc. I take steps back… or try to.
In other news, some of you who are my friends on FB know this already… Largo and I are now engaged.
And those of you who played D&D years ago with me will pity one of my DM’s. He gave me the go ahead to re-create Ruby… for 3.5… with gestalt characters. Oh yeah… I’ve been giggling WAY too much making her, and even Largo is afraid. And he’s heard some of the stories. 
I am going to try and dig out my Victorian ornaments I made a few years ago and still have and see if I can sell them locally for some holiday spending $. crosses fingers
So things ARE looking up, I have to keep telling myself that. There’s still some worrisome things, but that’s life right?
